The final countdown

Well it is the final day of 2011. In years past I've found this day to be a sad ending overshadowing the new. Death of the old and all that. Today not so much. I can say in all honesty I am really stoked for what a new year will bring. This 2011 has been quite the ride. I had no idea what I was in store for. J-bean is making huge leaps and seeing she can get through her struggles. We've struggled so hard together, now I get to share her with others who can support us both. The dynamic Duo got support to be less destructively dynamic and cooperative. Not perfect but both willing. That bonding thing is a big deal.  I am practicing my patience parenting teenagers. I didn't lose it when one caused the other to get staples either. Kudos to me. However I am encouraging large amounts of personal service. After all when we're helping we're happy, and they were certainly not happy at the time.
I have literally unfolded ginormous miracles these past few weeks; all from listening to and following that little inner voice. There is no way all those ideas were my own, and yet every single one fell into place with great ease and even elegance. The holiday came together after all, and without stress.  The van didn't actually blow up. The washer didn't flood entirely, the replacement came together. The new furnace found a way. The insurance gave me a chance to make a request and have it answered. My 12k month just all smoothed out. The older trio have even made the trip to see the brother I cannot. Twice. Though I am getting there, now a ten hour round trip is slightly more challenging to sort out.With J soon getting respite it is now a possibility.  I've watched as things I thought were so impossible to complete this year, never mind this month, simply just came together because I let go. I'm possible from impossible, same letters different focus. Thank you Ms Hepburn. For goodness sake, I'm driving a BMW these days, and she is such a sexy sweet ride. I had no idea. Most importantly, safe and without financial strain of the other. I would not have believed that one a year ago. Nor would I have thought J would be back at school. And my daddy. That one still boggles my brain. He calls me at least twice weekly just to say I love you. No strings no drama no conditions. And he means it. The others, well I cannot alter that. I have really come to believe that whole what you think of me is none of my business. It doesn't take away the hurt any but it means I can stand back up every single time I get knocked down. I don't always want to, but I can. And I do. Do I miss those conversations with my sister? Darn tootin. I waited years to be her friend. But I have worked not to return anger for anger, or meanness or unkindness. Hells bells I know I am not perfect. I've got so far to go, but I can look back and see just how far I've come too.
I actually shared that story from the day my heart stopped this year. It wasn't with who I thought it would be, but it flowed naturally when it needed to. When I stopped trying to force it to happen. I don't have it trying to eat it's way out anymore. And it happened in the exact timeline it needed to, within the four years. I didn't run out of time after all.  I have such a sense of peace about where and who I am. I had no idea I had such value to have created any of this. And yet as I have consistently practiced and allowed I love Gena so many remarkable and amazing things unfold. I have that much value to have such wonderful things. That last dance with the deamon was only short years ago. It's just not there anymore. I may have wanted to throw in the towel a time or two, but that's different. The pull doesn't mean anything now. I can see that. I've come so close to so many actually breakdowns this year, and kept going; kept standing right back up. That's how I am not defeated. I get back up.
This year has been incredible. I thought it would be easy to say I am so glad it's over, but that's not it. I am so glad and grateful it happened. I have a seashell I wear around my neck. A shell that I found on a beach guided by the light of a full moon at midnight rising out of the ocean. It had a hole the exact size of the chain I wear already. It was right there waiting for me to pick it up. That's what I've come to see about opportunity. It is always right there for me to simply pick it up. The resources, the actions, the skills, the tools, the opportunities are all there already. The story is one I get to write, and when I don't like it, I get to make up a new one. My life is a dance. It may not be someone else's prima dona display, but it is the damned-ed best dance for me because it's mine. I am the very best me that there is. The record of this year seems too surreal to be real. Yet I know I did all that, and more. Do I have all the answers? Nope. Don't need 'em either. Will all that happen? Does it matter why? My gift is the present. The future has yet to unfold. It will take care of itself. I am taking care of me. The details aren't important they fall into place as needed. The whole road in front of me just keeps coming together like puzzle pieces as I love myself. It's pretty coolio. I know who I am. I do this for me.
Ok. I think that's enough ramble for now.
=)