Monday Monday

I didn't get to everything today, but it was not to bad of a day, especially for a very wet and rainy Monday

First off I don't know why I even bothered to straighten my hair, few minutes outside and I'm all frizzy and curly. With no way to fix it either. With curls like that, it may just be time for another hair cut. Not sure that I can handle curl like that all the time, or that I even want to.
Funny used to complain about not enough and now look at the other shoe.

Monday means training day. It was breaking day. Like my second or third all year. With whole class of kids under 12 and me. I did not make the first break. I did make a fool of myself. I DID get the other two. Meaning I effortlessly did turning back kick break both left and right clean blue board breaks. That felt good. H just had to point out that the last one was like butter, but the first was like brick wall. Yeah I got it, do it right and it works alot better.

Kind of like the other things I have in my life.

I am trying not to worry, but I am. Know how I can tell? Friends I haven't had the nerve to call for months are calling. I sending out that kind of energy. Just calling to care. And My Dad did the same thing. Calling to say hi?!? Very new. Very needed. Very right. Could use more of that. Could use a really good laugh. A long cry and a warm hug. Not today.
That sore area is changing, forming. It hurts. It's scary. What if I do everything and it's not going to be enough? What if it happens again and worse? What if I can't stop it. In everything the more I try to control the more it spins away out of control. I don't have it in me to do that again. I don't have it in me to do that to them again. I can't be right about that. I watched her die when I didn't understand. I just can't.
And no one knows. It's not a secret, just feelings and thoughts that I can't back up. There's no proof. Not yet.
But after all this time, after all these years, I know my body. I can feel it.
Dammit I need Sanoviv.
How can I make that happen?

Where can I go? Where can I turn?
To me.