Scary as Hell

It has been quite the ride today.
It was Klemmer day. I nearly forgot to remember, but something made me check.
I didn't have anyone to go with, but having two tickets forced me to go. My plan had been to take #1 along. Maybe I should have.
But when it came time to go, my keys were no where to be found. How I lost that big thing of keys with the long pink lanyard is beyond me.
I phoned around for a ride and couldn't find one.
Then it came down to decision time. I felt a pull to be there. Insistent. I've been so disconnected it wasn't all that strong, but it had roots.
In the end I called a cab and went in my own.
I stood up and made a pubic declaration of my 90 intent. The commitment to that is going to show up in the actions that I take now.

First is the PP in two weeks. Just start with one and let it build.

During Klemmer, kids kept calling. Dny was calling. In that course of change, created a way out of this financial mess from summer. We shall see, it's a start. I cannot create anything coming from desperation. It was the only way I could find my way past it. Treat this like any other business deal and stop making it personal. Get it handled.

That was motto today. That and Maximum results in minimum amount of time. 5K/ week in 90. He called me on that as a flufty fairy statement, until I mentioned the company. Two words. Matching bonus. It was fun to watch his reaction. He knew it could happen. A stranger believes in me. Why am I finding it so hard to do so now?

Nothing in this past year has changed who I am, why am I so afraid? Oh I know that answer, and it scares the crap out of me to think about.
It's been a year now since it first started. Ten months since surgery. My chest is on fire again. Has been for awhile now. They can't find anything. But I am literally terrified at what that means. This isn't one of those things I want to be right about. I cannot do that to my five again. I just can't. I am so scared. To scared to tell anyone. To scared to talk about it. To scared to even cry. So scared of it all. Hard to embrace something like that. They were never able to find the route source, just the biggest symptom. Thermamography. That's what I need done. I know that. They can see stuff 5-7-10 years before it ever shows up on a mamo. I need Sanoviv. This year. Before it starts again. Well it's already started, before it gets out of hand again.

For that I need growth. This fear cannot hold me back.

I won a book today. Well I shouldn't say won. I was given a gift for sharing and stepping out.
It's called how to eat an elephant. Interesting title. We all know how to do that, one bite at a time.
In the book, it mentioned that biggest success comes after biggest adversity. There are some great things in store there for me, looking at all the challenges.

Ray and Fay finished Diamond run yesterday, last night. Nadia is on week two of gold run.
We went out to dinner tonight to celebrate. Carla pointed out she was done watching me set goals and not make them happen. Enough or she was going to kick my but. Time has come to just do it already. Just Do what I am supposed to do.
She's right. I create amazing and incredible things and run from them. You'd think that would be the hard part. But not for me. Creating is a breeze, living is the challenge.
I cannot run. Not anymore.

I've found my dreams at night have been playing out random possibilities. Reliving what ifs from ages past. Varying futures. There's no remorse or regret in them. It's been more like replaying a move and adding new characters into the story. Sounds really odd when I say that out loud. Point being, I've been embracing all these what ifs and different possibilities. Meaning I'm open.
And that is scary as hell too. I don't know what the means. And oddly enough I'm ok with that too.

Klemmer weekend is first of Oct. Three days. Personal Mastery. Finding my sunglasses and taking them off.
My fear. Hidden, but hurting.
Being ok. Get it handled.
Scary as Hell.
Success is what happens on the other side of Fear.