And so It begins

What i thought was going to be hard, well next to impossible truth be told; turns out it wasn't.
It wasn't even a big deal.
Turns out alot of people are noticing I am crashing again. That I am not even barely holding it together anymore.
And here I thought it was some big secret I was hiding so well.
Even those who don't really know me that well at all, notice the fraying.
Maybe all that crying at the drop of a hat would be a clue.
Ya think.

I'm scared about this week. Terrified. But at the same time, not held back either.
I know in my head that it is going to be tough. In order to get any firm foundation to go forward from, there is going to be alot of digging, shoveling, dumping and clearing. Tearing down what doesn't work, to build what will.
What that specifically means has me feeling more than a little intimidated.
If it was anywhere other than San Fransisco, I wouldn't be so inclined.
This is all about me.
Until now I have never been all that comfortable being about me.
There's been other things in the way.

I am past the point of no return now.
All about me in a city I wanted to have a reason to be me in.
I cannot be distracted from this course of action.
It is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life to this point.
When It is finished, I will know it was the best thing I've ever done.
Actually I know that now.
I am scared.
To be there. It really has me shaking.
I don't know, and yet I do know.

Denise Taught me about taking exquisite care of myself.
It's been a little while since I practised that programing.
It was so hard all those years ago to learn in the first place.
Her practice of having me ask for hugs from multiple different people was one of the more difficult things I ever worked on.
That seemed so big back then. Now I can recognize that.
I remember seeing all many the things she and I were working on and seeing the ones we hadn't gotten to. There were two I could not face.
Now there are none. They are both good, more than good; great.
Now I have a clean slate.
Bare ground seems a good place to build a palace, an empire, an emerald city.

No one knows me like I know me. And no one can take me where I want to go.
No one can take from me who I dare to be.

Do I play the game in Red or Black.
Black wins everytime.

"A decision based on perception is no more than a speculation. A decision based on fact is no more than a calculated risk. A decision based on truth is made only by great leaders."

"Whatever you want, wants you!"