Another Layer

Here's another thought I didn't want to and wasn't planning on spending much time with.

I have low BP. Low enough to be in the hospital once or twice under concern.
It was pointed out to me recently - in the 'there are no coincidences' way - why that may be and it made me feel rather uncomfortable.
Mostly because it rang way to close to home.

The ability to really make a connection to people, places and life in general has always been fairly easy for me.
The opposite side of that is the ability to disconnect as well.
To have the capacity to control either is not always so cut and dry.

People are generally hardwired to want to live. Basic survival instinct is no matter what, preserve life.
And if you could tone down that will to live what would happen?
To not care enough that I would .... to the "concerned" level.
And just ... ? How vain. How selfish.

Letting go of my own thread, not enough.
That is NOT a good thing.
And it is not a nice thing to look at either. Nor to admit. Ah hell.

I have a fairly short fuse and I am somewhat of a hothead, with a temper to match.
When my sisters joke about me getting Red hair and being able to pull it off, it's not that far fetched. That little bit o' the Irish and Scottsmen bred true to me.
To let that slip is just not acceptable. I've always been somewhat proud of being a firecracker.
I haven't been for a long time, not unless someone endangers what is mine.

What price have I been paying and How long I am willing to continue to pay that price?

Stupid Reality. I should know better than to spend time alone with my own thoughts.