Continuing

Apparently I feel asleep before getting very far last night.

Between The HoN book and stupid movie, Z's were big role; and then Crusades it was a very bizarre sleep. I should not have stayed up until 2 o'clock either.

I've been thinking about this whole confronted bit. I get, finally, that what I think is the issue isn't
That is much more about my fears of coming from lack and being inadequate that are really at play here. That it is more my own feelings of being small and worthless that are really the issue here. Like always. Being able see that means I can also see it isn't that big a thing to break through. And that I can meet the deadline given to me. But it also seems so far away and so much harder than I can do on my own.
I feel all my mistakes right up front today. All those stupid things I keep doing I shouldn't.
All that fear, lack and being pathetic.
I know it's all part of this being human experience, but try telling that to my heart.
My little whiny worthless victim has shown up to play. Which only makes sense because the others were in play recently.
What was that I was mentioning about opposites?
Careful what you wish for you just might get it - goes both ways I see.

That dream kept creeping in again. And it was so much more real.
So much closer and thus so much harder. That it could happen I never thought about.

The other thing that amazes me is my dad. Here's he is stepping up and doing supper every night. He hardly ever came for supper when I lived there.
Now seeing how hard all this has been, he's not only looking for but doing those things I need support and help with. My dad. Willing spending time with my kids. Cooking even.
Wonders never cease.
He saw just how much I've been struggling and he showed up to be there.
My daddy loves me.
That hit me full force today.
All those years of bickering, and fights, of trying to get his attention, any attention.
The power struggles. The bitterness, the disappointments at yet another broken promise.
Oh how I've hated that word. Wanting it to mean something, to be something
And being crushed when it wasn't.
Even today I want so much to trust when I hear the word promise, but can't help but wonder how much it'll hurt when I'm crushed this time.

Whoo. Talk about an honest conversation.
Not quite sure where all that came from.
It was some emotion to feel that my daddy loves me. Still is.

I got to test drive that Toyota today. Very nice to drive.
For all the 100's of kms I do every week, that would make it all the nicer.
Handles very well. I do like the other, but think sticking with van better option.
Another way to call me into play.

All this allowing is harder than I ever gave credit.
I know why I accepted this.
But I am really beginning to wonder, why am I doing this again?

And those voices will not leave me be.
In the journey this is one more part of the process.