letting it out

Is it just me or has this Monday seemed really long?
Feels like the week should be almost over and not just starting.
I gotta put this somewhere.

I am so tired.
This kind of fatigue is more than a little bit um disconcerting.
There is no way after getting that much rest, that I should be this tired.

If it was just a little tired I don't know that I would pay that much attention.
But it's not.
And I'm really trying not to dwell on it.
I thought it was just usual pain and soreness, but someone else noticed the swelling.
Like my whole lymph and muscle area on that side is all inflamed.
Good thing it's cold enough now to be wearing layers.
Put that with the overwhelming fatigue and those are two very not good signs.
Put that with pattern from last year and it gets worse.
I'm doing everything else I can think of. That infra heal stuff did some good I think.
But that round is pretty much done. And he did say it wasn't a long term option.

I don't want to go back to specialists and doctors and drugs again.
I've had enough needles, and blood and all of it. They couldn't find any answers then, why is now do different. And I just can't do this again. Not alone and this too.
This is really freaking me out.

Last week, I was thinking about what would it take to walk away from TKD for awhile.
This isn't what I had in mind. But I can't work there, for myself and go through this all over again. I am going to have to talk about a LOA and I don't want to do that either.

I'm scared. Really Scared.
It hurts and I can't ignore that, not very well anyway.

I don't want to know just how strong I really am.
I don't need to know how deep those reserves go.
I don't want to have to fight like that again.
I am just now happy with life again, connected, complete and whole. I just got here.
I can't go back and fight to live again. It don't want to have to fight, I just want to live this great life I finally see.
I have so much. Things are so good. I am seeing my potential and I have a flight plan.
I can't get grounded.
And my babies. They can't see that again. It's taken me a year to get them to open back up.
I could not do that to them again.
I don't know what to do. What to think. What else to feel.
I feel scared, hurt and alone.

I can't even massage, pressure point or even hold it tight and keep the magic in, cause it's the wrong angle. All upside down to me.
I did try blue web. Feels like its more staving off than reversing or healing.

I'm going to need drugs to sleep now. The pain is getting to be more than I can do.
I don't want to do this again.
AGHHHHH!

Hey I got to try something rather fun today. Driving that little automatic bus with two feet.
It was having issues, shaking like an old jalopy. Had to drive it up to the north end to see Alex.
The only way to keep it from shaking really bad and stalling was to use two feet. One on the break and one on the gas. Not the best way to drive. Turns out the air intake hose had come off. Mixture was all wrong to say the least. Long drive there and back in rush hour.
But it did mean that I didn't have to go to class, and I wasn't up for that today anyway.

Here's to tomorrow.