Homework

I knew this weekend had pivital potential.
I just wasn't really clear on what that would be.
I did want it to be self discovery, personal mastery, a greater shift.
I have been Pollyana-ing for so long, I don't even know who I really am.
I am so practised at smiling through everything, no one knows it's my wall.
My biggest survival mechagnism. My biggest excuse. My way out of anything and everything.

I haven't thought about this weekend and what it ment because I have consciously or subconsicouly I have keep myself to busy to look at it. I planned this weekend to myself on purpose knowing that it might come up.
And it did. I have been refusing to show up 100% in my own life, my entire life. Always holding back that extra bit. That part so that no one could ever hurt me completely, that I would never be lost. And that has kept me from truly living and experiancing my own lif e.

Her birth was a physical manifestation to me of how inadequate I was. How inadequate I had been. My interpretation of that whole thing was coming from lack. I was not capable of being her mother. I was physically not capable of doing that. Being so alone. From that I kept that I was always going to be woefully inadequate. No matter how hard I tried, I would never be enough in anyway in anything. So I don't come 100%

And the price? I haven't lived my life. I am not clear on who I am. Who is Gena?
I don't feel anything or experiance anything completely. But I want to.
I want to be done holding back. I know it's scary. And it's hard and it's is going to be scary. And i am going to get hurt. But I want to feel 100%. Anger, hurt, pain, frustration 100% Joy love laughter peace 100%
Showing up.

Today I cried. I felt what all that felt like and I cried. I cried about not being enough. About being and feeling inadequate. And it was a good thing.
I would not have chosen to do that alone, but that choice was taken away. That makes me feel some resentment. And I am feeling that completely too.

How does this pattern, this programed response reflect how I live and play in my life?
I may see things that I know are right. More and more I see the right choice to make. I may say something once or twice, but when no one hears or responds, my little victim shows up to play and I shut down totally. That price? I am missing out on so many things. So much of my life is not really there.
No one gets Gena. And I don't make that connection with anyone else. It then creates more lack in those around me.
Someone played me a song from John Denver about it being about time.
That the evil in this world takes over when a few good people choose to sit back and to do nothing.
Not my kind of music normally, but the words really struck a cord with me.