"History is just one damn day following the next"

This may end up being one cliche after another in reconnecting to my day today.
I willing agreed to allow this roller coaster ride process in my life this weekend.
Little did I know that I did NOT know what that meant.

To go so deep, so far down and then to come to far up, climb so high.
For the first real time that I can actually recall, show up for myself 100%
To be me completely.
To go to those feelings buried so very deeply. Those feelings of the things taken from me in my life. The abandonment, the assault not just on my physical body, but the rape of my heart and my very essence, my soul being. To feel completely what that emotion was and allow it all to come to the surface. To ask myself how has taking shown up in my life and then answer it from my heart, differently every time to get to that layer. Feeling that loss of innocence and dreams being stolen away. And sob every last inch of myself into that feeling. What a terrible emotional drain to have locked away inside. Rotten at the core. But oh how it felt to allow that to happen. I do not remember the last time I cried so hard. I did not know there were that many tears in my body. Or that my eyes had the capacity to flow that much. Just sobbing past the point of being able to speak, and still continue to sob. To really and truly cry, no holding back.
It was something to show up that completely.
And then to move from that in such a simple and beautiful movement, just a shift into the next gear. An astounding simple transition. And just simply it was complete and done.

And oh how much lighter I feel.
I am going to have to remind myself in the days to come of this moment.
I know intellectually that my stuff is going to keep showing up over and over.
And that I will be confronted by it in all areas of my life
At this moment is seems simplistic, reasonable and attainable that I can and will handle it when it does.
When I mentioned standing in the doorway and on the threshold of the next big something, I didn't know what that meant. I didn't know what was in that other room, that next place. It was scary, but I took that leap of faith anyway. I closed my eyes and jumped.
I opened them only to find that I was not in a room anymore atall. But floating in midair.
In this enormous expanse of the rest of creation.
I came out of a dark cave in to the light and found I could fly once my feet had left the ground.
Fly where?
Haven't got that part yet. Only now can I see that I truly have no limits. Only that which I choose to allow will be able to tie me to the ground. In this moment I am free in the realm of potential in all that is possible.
And now tonight, I can say I know who Gena is. I know who I am.
I committed to showing up in my life 100%.
Obviously not all the time. I am human having a mortal experience here after all.
But to become aware of when I am not showing up and to practice that shift into being authentic with myself.
That way it can get all over the other areas of my life at the same time.
Loving completely, laughing, hurting, healing, moving, all of it completely, with intent

Those things I've been holding onto from my own intent. The Resistance, resentment, revenge.
The behavior patterns in myself. My own programs that have been so well practiced.
This next few days, weeks, months are going to be hard, a real challenge.
A real chance for possibility.
The possibility of San Fransisco in a few short weeks.
First the hard work. To make this choice, there will not be time to be absent.
How could I choose to be small when I was made for nothing but greatness?
It is time.
Magnified.

The greatest pleasure of life is love.