Another Layer

Stupid Onion. Bloody hell. How many layers are there.
Just as I am finally getting through what I've got, up comes another one.
I just can't keep doing this. At some point it has to be enough.
Life just has to go on.
I nearly got up and wrote all this at 3-4:00 when I was up feeling it all.
Elusive sleep again.

What comes up this time? Blame.
Anger would be a secondary emotion, hiding the hurt and sadness, hiding the blame.
The fault I am giving myself. The Blame, responsibility, make wrong at fault; all of it.

Everytime I go down there, it brings up something I haven't looked at. I looked at the pain, but not where it was coming from.
Well last night I looked. I am still not convinced that was the brightest of moves to make.
But that pain had alot of angry stuff with it. The anger that makes me want to drive really fast, really fast into something. That can't be all that good. That's the anger where I have been known to do really stupid things. Not even that Chi Frappithingy really did any damage (thought it did taste amazing) even on top of all the CM I drank earlier. SO I was feeling mildly happy before I went up there.

The Blame?
In my head, way down intellectually, I know this doesn't make any sense. But it still doesn't change how I feel.
I feel responsible.
Some of why he did what he chose to do came from his own abuse.
Abuse that should have stopped with me dammit.
Abuse that is my fault, that I am to blame for.
I was there so it has to be my fault. If I wasn't there, then I couldn't be blamed.
But I was.
It's my fault that Nicky did what he did to me.
He's right. I somehow asked for it.
Or just plain deserved it. No noone deserves that.
It is still my fault. It IS all my fault.
My fault it happened. My fault it continued. My fault.
Always my fault.

Stupid onion.
What am I susposed to do with that? I tried crying it out and fell asleep.
Now it's with me this morning. What am I susposed to do with that?
Carry it around all day until I can be alone.
How am I going to do that? It's Friday. I am so screwed, and not in the fun way either.
There's just nowhere to go.

Like a sinking ship. It is all my fault.
No one to Blame but myself.
And I do.