No messing around. No dancing around it.
The real unpleasant truth of it. Nasty and painful.
Very Mature themed.
How do you even begin something like this? something no one will ever read, but something you have to get out just the same.
Let's start with self esteem. I made some dumb choices as a teenager. choices based on my self esteem, or lack of it. Where did that come from? How come I had such a hard time believing anyone who told me I was beautiful? I'll tell you why. Because the first man to ever say that to me was my 17 year old susposed foster brother, right before he stuck his tongue in my 7 year old mouth in my mothers living room . Or what he wispered to me when I sat on his lap to watch movies late at night. How am I susposed to believe that? My little heart knew he shouldn't do that. I knew it. How come no one else did?
That same brother who hurt my little sisters. I knew he did that. They couldn't even talk. The bad part, I told someone. Nothing happened. It was no big deal. The worst part, the guilt.
If I was somehow better, enough for him, he wouldn't touch them. He would only hurt me.
They would be ok.
I have very few regrets. Given the chance to do things over again, most I would not change. It's a good thing we don't get that option. My choice would be different. I would choose to let him have me and not them. I would choose to protect them, like I didn't and should have. I was the big sister. I knew and they didn't. I would choose to do that. And when the other wanted to go in the bcak of the truck. I would have done that too. And then I would let myself die, right then.
They would be safe. It would stop and I would take it all for them. Then I would die and it would be finished. At 7 I did not know how to die. I do now. I would keep that knowledge and literally will myself to be done. None of this would happen.
I would not have kept that hidden and bottled for 7 years. I would not have let some jackass just take me. I would have cared. I didn't. I let him hurt me, just adding to the hurt that was already there. It just wasn't new. I let him be my friend. I let him use me, and hurt me. And I didn't care. I already felt dead. What did it matter? The second r.
Though before that there was him. Let some face, another family member tell me what to do. Attention. It was all about attention. I wanted some, I got it. Not quite what I wanted. Not even close.
He thought it was a game. Just another game to play, together; isn't that what he said?
Be my little experiment. He's my dammed bloody cousin for crying out loud. Why didn't someone see the, this? The pervert and I sharing a room. Wasn't that the joke? Gone for the day... Who's bright idea was that? Not mine.
What did I care? Wasn't first time. Already dying. What's another hit. Why would one more make any difference now. The first r.
He even had the nerve to ask for a replay the next time. Like it was still a game.
At least I know he wasn't brave enough to touch anyone else. He knew I was to scared to ever say anything. For a long time I was. I got braver. I did try to tell and relsove it couple years later, but it was just to much of a mess.
He didn't think there was anything wrong. Consentual. How can a child consent to that? The second time he asked if I wanted a replay. Still my favorite little experiment. My cousin you bastard, you're my cousin. And his mom was the favorite now. Nothing any of them did was wrong or bad. They would have all taken his side and made it so much worse for me.
And my mom. Crap. It's already bad enough as it is. It was better to just leave. I loved it there. So close to mountains I loved. My heart felt at peace. I had roots there. It was better just to walk away and leave it all behind.
The Paynes are getting together this year the same weekend as Jenkins. For the first time in 20 years we are going to be in the same place.
He's getting married sometime soon, they all asked me why I wasn't coming. He even had the nerve to mention.....
How does this happen?
What if despite everything I tried to do, it happens to my own family? I am so set on it stopping with me. I couldn't control what was done to me, if I couldn't then, what's so different now?
Everything I do might not be enough.
It became such a mess. The self destruction. A child is not susposed to want to end their own life. Is not susposed to look for ways to make it all stop before leaving elementary school. That is just not right. But I did, if I could have figured it out, I would have done it.
Even after I got it sorted out. I was still making those choices to give someone else control.
R figured me out and took me home. For all his player crap, I gained more respect for him in that second than anyone. He had that much for me in that instant, I could find some too. It was a start.
Then that mess with J. Oh that should never have happened. That caused so much pain. It nearly destroyed it all. I very nearly let it. What a stupid motivation. I don't deserve happiness, so lets sabatoge it in the worst possible way? Who's book am I reading from anyway? It was so unhealthy. I couldn't think of an alternative, so I pick disease on purpose?
What is wrong with me? I nearly lost it all again.
For 13 years I let this stuff fester. Then I finally got a voice.
Now after 27 years the pain is still so fresh.
In the name of family healing, we are all coming together. They have their secrets that have nearly destroyed all of them. Little band of thieves they were. It did destroy one life and another that will never be the same. Though he now has a chance to heal too.
Now this is out there.
Now those memories have been unlocked. The pain is back.
The voices I never allowed myselft to remember have returned. All of them.
I hear them. Those words I cannot shut out. Not a single one.
Every last syllable.
Hammer to the walls.
Hurt.
That pain of being stollen. Wanting so much to be loved and having that raped away repeatedly.
The pain of loss for something I never had.
Innocent childhood.
The pain of dying a little bit inside with every moment. Of Raining on the inside, where no one can see it.
To the death? No. To the pain.
To the pain.
Get over it.
The real unpleasant truth of it. Nasty and painful.
Very Mature themed.
How do you even begin something like this? something no one will ever read, but something you have to get out just the same.
Let's start with self esteem. I made some dumb choices as a teenager. choices based on my self esteem, or lack of it. Where did that come from? How come I had such a hard time believing anyone who told me I was beautiful? I'll tell you why. Because the first man to ever say that to me was my 17 year old susposed foster brother, right before he stuck his tongue in my 7 year old mouth in my mothers living room . Or what he wispered to me when I sat on his lap to watch movies late at night. How am I susposed to believe that? My little heart knew he shouldn't do that. I knew it. How come no one else did?
That same brother who hurt my little sisters. I knew he did that. They couldn't even talk. The bad part, I told someone. Nothing happened. It was no big deal. The worst part, the guilt.
If I was somehow better, enough for him, he wouldn't touch them. He would only hurt me.
They would be ok.
I have very few regrets. Given the chance to do things over again, most I would not change. It's a good thing we don't get that option. My choice would be different. I would choose to let him have me and not them. I would choose to protect them, like I didn't and should have. I was the big sister. I knew and they didn't. I would choose to do that. And when the other wanted to go in the bcak of the truck. I would have done that too. And then I would let myself die, right then.
They would be safe. It would stop and I would take it all for them. Then I would die and it would be finished. At 7 I did not know how to die. I do now. I would keep that knowledge and literally will myself to be done. None of this would happen.
I would not have kept that hidden and bottled for 7 years. I would not have let some jackass just take me. I would have cared. I didn't. I let him hurt me, just adding to the hurt that was already there. It just wasn't new. I let him be my friend. I let him use me, and hurt me. And I didn't care. I already felt dead. What did it matter? The second r.
Though before that there was him. Let some face, another family member tell me what to do. Attention. It was all about attention. I wanted some, I got it. Not quite what I wanted. Not even close.
He thought it was a game. Just another game to play, together; isn't that what he said?
Be my little experiment. He's my dammed bloody cousin for crying out loud. Why didn't someone see the, this? The pervert and I sharing a room. Wasn't that the joke? Gone for the day... Who's bright idea was that? Not mine.
What did I care? Wasn't first time. Already dying. What's another hit. Why would one more make any difference now. The first r.
He even had the nerve to ask for a replay the next time. Like it was still a game.
At least I know he wasn't brave enough to touch anyone else. He knew I was to scared to ever say anything. For a long time I was. I got braver. I did try to tell and relsove it couple years later, but it was just to much of a mess.
He didn't think there was anything wrong. Consentual. How can a child consent to that? The second time he asked if I wanted a replay. Still my favorite little experiment. My cousin you bastard, you're my cousin. And his mom was the favorite now. Nothing any of them did was wrong or bad. They would have all taken his side and made it so much worse for me.
And my mom. Crap. It's already bad enough as it is. It was better to just leave. I loved it there. So close to mountains I loved. My heart felt at peace. I had roots there. It was better just to walk away and leave it all behind.
The Paynes are getting together this year the same weekend as Jenkins. For the first time in 20 years we are going to be in the same place.
He's getting married sometime soon, they all asked me why I wasn't coming. He even had the nerve to mention.....
How does this happen?
What if despite everything I tried to do, it happens to my own family? I am so set on it stopping with me. I couldn't control what was done to me, if I couldn't then, what's so different now?
Everything I do might not be enough.
It became such a mess. The self destruction. A child is not susposed to want to end their own life. Is not susposed to look for ways to make it all stop before leaving elementary school. That is just not right. But I did, if I could have figured it out, I would have done it.
Even after I got it sorted out. I was still making those choices to give someone else control.
R figured me out and took me home. For all his player crap, I gained more respect for him in that second than anyone. He had that much for me in that instant, I could find some too. It was a start.
Then that mess with J. Oh that should never have happened. That caused so much pain. It nearly destroyed it all. I very nearly let it. What a stupid motivation. I don't deserve happiness, so lets sabatoge it in the worst possible way? Who's book am I reading from anyway? It was so unhealthy. I couldn't think of an alternative, so I pick disease on purpose?
What is wrong with me? I nearly lost it all again.
For 13 years I let this stuff fester. Then I finally got a voice.
Now after 27 years the pain is still so fresh.
In the name of family healing, we are all coming together. They have their secrets that have nearly destroyed all of them. Little band of thieves they were. It did destroy one life and another that will never be the same. Though he now has a chance to heal too.
Now this is out there.
Now those memories have been unlocked. The pain is back.
The voices I never allowed myselft to remember have returned. All of them.
I hear them. Those words I cannot shut out. Not a single one.
Every last syllable.
Hammer to the walls.
Hurt.
That pain of being stollen. Wanting so much to be loved and having that raped away repeatedly.
The pain of loss for something I never had.
Innocent childhood.
The pain of dying a little bit inside with every moment. Of Raining on the inside, where no one can see it.
To the death? No. To the pain.
To the pain.
Get over it.
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