Emotions

I am so angry. So pissed. No completely and utterly furious I can hardly stand it. I want to hit, destroy something anything.
And I'm numb. Totally and completely numb. I can't feel anything. No joy not sorrow no not a thing. Numb. Lost.
How is anything supposed to be ok ever again? How could it possibly ever get better? I can't change it. I can't fix it. I can't even forget it ever happened; I've tried. I can't do anything, nothing. I am so helpless. Numb, helpless, lost and angry

I lost my little baby brother. He's gone. Just gone.
Death I could handle. This is so much worse. He's just gone. It's so much worse than a funeral, there is no goodbye. It's just over, gone. How do you deal with that? How can anyone ever be ok with that, get over that? You can't. Just gone.

I find I've been listening to Foo Fighters most of the past few days. Why is that?
Where is there ever going to be peace?
I have no smile left. It didn't run out, it's just gone.
Like the sun stopped shinning. One second it was there and then it wasn't

I played Jessica's Theme today. I could almost hear the words that have always escaped me; almost.

Why? I just don't understand.
Time can't fix this. It can't make it better, can't make it go away.
There is no healing. It's just gone and over. Leaving all these scattered pieces of what used to be my life.

My memories. Two faces. One that tiny, chubby checked little blond haired blue eyed angel smiling at me. The other face pale, cold, dark, dirty and alone; crying for someone to hear, pleading and then just gone. Taking all light with it. Her light.

HOW? Why?

I laughed today and wanted so much more to cry. Why can't I cry?
Nothing makes it better. It will never be ok again.
Gone.