Nervous

So today's a big day. I'm really rather nervous about it all. Freaked and a little scared truth be told.
Enough so to have a wee breakdown last night. Something I haven't done in over a week now. When the tears started coming, I figured it was time to try running. That used to help once upon a time. It was freezing out there last night. I thought I'd see dad at the mansion, but he'd already gone, so I parked at the mayflower and went for a walk. Walked for few blocks to try and warm up, until I was freezing, then crossed the street and began jogging back.
I could feel the power begin to take over. The energy swelling within, pushing to burst through. This time I could go faster, longer strides, arms pumping, heart racing, power flowing. Faster. It felt amazing. My chest heaving, lungs heavy, heart pounding as I came to the corner. I slowed to catch my jagged breath and jogged lightly back to the van. My chest on fire, legs burning. It really did feel good. Pantherea. And I wasn't crying anymore. Also good.

Figured I could go join everyone else. I figured wrong.
There was a puddle under the van when I pulled out. And it wasn't shifting. Crap.
Stranded on 118 at night. Idiot.
The guys came and rescued me after I getting ahold of dad.
Jacked it up and turns out to be nothing. But it wasn't a fun couple hours.
I drank a litre of my CM in about 20 minutes. Chugged the first half in under a minute.
What a night. Not what I planned.
Did not help me feel any better about today.

Today is my first scheduled visit with MTB.
I didn't know that I would ever be able to do this. And I'm still not sure I can.
Every other visit has fallen through up to now. I wasn't all that upset about it either.
This one is different.
Courage take for goodness sake.
In the middle of the afternoon, 2pm. 1-5 are taken care of on field trip. I have been given time off during it for this. Meeting dad at mansion and going together.
He's 60 this yeare and now because of this, talking to a professional after all these years. Good.
I just don't know if I can do this.
After, what am I going to do?
I will need to wind down, but no clue how to do that.
No one to talk to in middle of the day.
Be back at mansion anyway. I can sit on bench and take in the view.
Something tells me that's not going to be enough.
It'll end up a sit and cry alone thing pretty sure.

If I get through that, there's weekend to face.
Want to get out early. At night or wee hours Friday. Waterton is long drive with 5.
They want stop at Calgary Zoo. I don't.
K. is coming with his fam, for Sunday at ranch. I can face them all with him there.
Familiar and strong, my brother is. I won't be alone.

I'm excited. I will be in the same area as her for next 2-3 days. No, I don't have any intention of calling or looking her up in anyway. But the last time, I kept running into her mom at the grocery store. In a small town like that, kinda hard not to. They may not even be there, it is summertime. Her hugs are amazing and warm. I can face Nicky for that. It's my little ray of light, making this all worthwhile. Just to see a smile.

First I have to get through today. It won't be all that bad, but I'm still having allot of energy about it. Talking to someone would make this easier, but it'll have to wait.
Just no one around yet.
Maybe posting again in that case. At least to get it out.
That place scares me, and I have no idea how to prepare for it.

Time to face the day.
And all that it brings,