Sunshine

Oh my arms are hurting today. If I thought yesterday was bad, I was mistaken. Day two really is worse. I am actually glad today is a swimming day. Even it means being stuck in a swim suit all day. I am going to volunteer for the little kids and spend as much time in the whirlpool as I can. Hot water, sigh. I could boil and be content.

I am so tired today. I had a long amazing sleep, but I was right. Those dreams were busy. It's like some new express way opened up in there. Great big flood of new traffic running on the freeway. I know it's not new traffic, it's the traffic jam from ages ago reintegrating so to speak. It is busy and amazing and so many things. Like watching fish swim up river, by the hundreds. I can pick up one in my hands and all of a sudden it's a long forgotten memory.
And they don't bite.
Like the rainbow over grandpa's pasture after dancing in that storm. The water glistening off the tiny little purple and blue heritage flowers. In the field he didn't plow under. The same grasses that have been growing for centuries. The ones even the deer would come down to nibble.
The way it felt to stand there with my colt, before climbing up and trotting off together. The sun sparkling off fresh droplets on the ground. The last time I rode.
Happy thoughts, long thought washed away. No longer forgotten.

Every one of them returning. This is a really good tired. It's peaceful in its exhaustion. A completion. I really wish I had time for more sleep. Eight hours just wasn't enough. It is so busy during the day, and then a whole different busy at night. Rewiring, updating, re-networking everthing back together again.
My library is filling back up. There are no more empty shelves. New shelves are appearing and the old ones that I thought lost have reappeared.
It's strange and wonderful all at the same time. Almost magical even. Every long lost road is leading back where it belongs. The past mixing with the present, leading into tomorrow.
I am glad for the broken road that led to this point. No longer broken.

Whole. No more splinters. No lost bits.
Even the unpleasant bits are part of this whole. And they aren't even so bad.

I just learned that even if his/our family had never been on my side, the law was.
Minor, statutory rape, automatically. I can so say something. I'm not even dreading the next weekends anymore. I feel so much strength and power it is incredible. He can't touch me. No physically, or emotionally or in any way. I am untouchable. So far out of reach.
AND, if he does lay even a finger on me first, that's assult and I can respond in self-defense. It was pointed out that as long as he doesn't hit the ground, I can beat the living tar out of him. Once he hits the ground, it's done. So I could hold him up and let him have it. That was a nice thought. I liked not feeling powerless anymore. Options. I don't have to act on all of them. There are always options. That evil grin is going to get me in trouble.

Sue's talk was good. I really did need that. There are others who have gone through very similar stuff. Even if it feels like I am the only one, I'm not. Never alone.
Never alone.

My long lost narrow road I started out on, is a full universal highway, leading back where I belong.