Pieces

I think I get it. My life is still in pieces, my heart not whole. But now for just a moment in the early hours of the new day, I could feel something keeping the shattered bits from flying away.
As though hundreds of hands and arms were keeping me from completely flying apart.
Nothing has changed. I still cannot cry. The emptiness of that dark blanket of pain still swallows me. For a moment there was a ray of light. I can hold onto that. It will get me to the next moment and then be enough for me to keep going.
When I thought I could take no more, suddenly there seemed to be others to share the load with. It is still so heavy. It hurts so much. I don't know how or why or what, but I know I can.

For the first time in my life I wish I could be drunk. Rip roaring, stinking, pissed out of my mind passing out drunk. Then I couldn't even feel the nothing. It would numb the numbness. Even with a hangover it would still be something. Would I be a happy drunk or a pissy one? But no I am stone cold sober. With lots of chocolate milk, the right kind too.

Oh how my heart hurts. I cannot even connect to it, the pain is so big. My mind cannot grasp it. I litterally cannot get my head around it. I am not capable of doing this. When I feel the darkness taking over and I am slipping away, there is something there. Something I didn't, couldn't see before. And in that second I am not swallowed whole. A sliver remains clinging to the something.
It was love.
In those early hours, with a new day beginning, I new I was loved.
I knew it like I have never know anything else.
I felt love. Complete and whole. Love. Like nothing else.
In my darkest nightmare, I am alone, but I am not on my own.
I am loved and that can be enough.

Dios Da Valor
Como príncipes reales soportemos bien los males
Quando ay amor