I am so tired and I ache all over. But it's a good ache, I think.
I did remember to work out all muscle areas I worked yesterday, so fatigue today isn't to bad. And that magic did wonders. All except for my arms. I forgot to stretch out my arms. I can barely straighten them. They hurt. My elbows ache. What have I gotten myself into? I worked out with BBs am I insane? Well it is a good kind of pain. He was right. I do like it.
But I am so tired. As soon as 1-4 are all handled, I am so going to get some sleep.
BUT the sun is shining. Who knows how long that will last. IT is Alberta afterall.
I feel torn, but tired. 3 hours is just not enough. Though oddly I have had a rather good day. I'm not grouchy or pissy, just tired. Exhausted, but really really good. Lots of time outside, reflecting and walking. Even took tkd kids to river on walk. That was cool.
Today I worked on memories. Um no, let's rephrase that. Before, I locked up literally years of me to keep the crap from pulling me under. All of a sudden, this morning at 4 am in fact, there were a flood new thoughts. Until I looked at them, and saw memories. The nice ones that got locked away with eveything else cause I just couldn't bear to seperate. Seperation involved looking and I couldn't do it. I could barely find what I needed to hide. So very hard.
The first thought in my head this morning Nicholas Walsh. How I forgot that I have no idea. There it was. Actually, no the first thought was 'wow'. I woke up with peace; feeling - what's that word (starts with re something, I think) - comfort. I was happy and awake. At 4 am. Where on earth did that come from in matter of hours? Just like the sad, this was just there one moment. Even the sad today was short. I took a pad out and drew, with a pencil no less.
I remembered the rides in the wind on the back of my horse. Running for fun, for speed. (is that where all that energy started from?) I remembered the mountains, the trails, the smells, tastes. Swimming in the river. Fires. All of it came rushing back in a torrent. But not a something I would drown in, something that wrapped around me and took me in. Completing.
There are no more locked doors. No more doors even. Just a bunch of parts rejoining the whole again. Some good stuff in there. Throw out the garbage and there were jewels underneath. Little hidden treasures. I still feel that cloud on my old highway, but new one seems to be sufficient. Other than that, it's all open. Very cool.
I am wondering what will come up in my dreaming tonight.
This is certainly an intersting .... hmm ... process.??
Extreme and intense emotions - full spectrum. All sorts of ranges for passion to go. And it has been just that.
Passionate anger, passionate pain, passionate sadness, passionate joy, and the nothing.
Wonder what's around the next turn?
Always another surprise.
Though not the bad kind anymore.
Just allow.
NiCe.
I did remember to work out all muscle areas I worked yesterday, so fatigue today isn't to bad. And that magic did wonders. All except for my arms. I forgot to stretch out my arms. I can barely straighten them. They hurt. My elbows ache. What have I gotten myself into? I worked out with BBs am I insane? Well it is a good kind of pain. He was right. I do like it.
But I am so tired. As soon as 1-4 are all handled, I am so going to get some sleep.
BUT the sun is shining. Who knows how long that will last. IT is Alberta afterall.
I feel torn, but tired. 3 hours is just not enough. Though oddly I have had a rather good day. I'm not grouchy or pissy, just tired. Exhausted, but really really good. Lots of time outside, reflecting and walking. Even took tkd kids to river on walk. That was cool.
Today I worked on memories. Um no, let's rephrase that. Before, I locked up literally years of me to keep the crap from pulling me under. All of a sudden, this morning at 4 am in fact, there were a flood new thoughts. Until I looked at them, and saw memories. The nice ones that got locked away with eveything else cause I just couldn't bear to seperate. Seperation involved looking and I couldn't do it. I could barely find what I needed to hide. So very hard.
The first thought in my head this morning Nicholas Walsh. How I forgot that I have no idea. There it was. Actually, no the first thought was 'wow'. I woke up with peace; feeling - what's that word (starts with re something, I think) - comfort. I was happy and awake. At 4 am. Where on earth did that come from in matter of hours? Just like the sad, this was just there one moment. Even the sad today was short. I took a pad out and drew, with a pencil no less.
I remembered the rides in the wind on the back of my horse. Running for fun, for speed. (is that where all that energy started from?) I remembered the mountains, the trails, the smells, tastes. Swimming in the river. Fires. All of it came rushing back in a torrent. But not a something I would drown in, something that wrapped around me and took me in. Completing.
There are no more locked doors. No more doors even. Just a bunch of parts rejoining the whole again. Some good stuff in there. Throw out the garbage and there were jewels underneath. Little hidden treasures. I still feel that cloud on my old highway, but new one seems to be sufficient. Other than that, it's all open. Very cool.
I am wondering what will come up in my dreaming tonight.
This is certainly an intersting .... hmm ... process.??
Extreme and intense emotions - full spectrum. All sorts of ranges for passion to go. And it has been just that.
Passionate anger, passionate pain, passionate sadness, passionate joy, and the nothing.
Wonder what's around the next turn?
Always another surprise.
Though not the bad kind anymore.
Just allow.
NiCe.
mmmm. garden fresh raspberries... Yum!
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