In My head

Music is a strange thing. Or perhaps it's my mind that's strange.
Listening to Papa Roach and it moved me? Not in a good way mind you. It might make a good training song though, since I feel like punching something.
Linkin Park. I listen to them all the time. Why is this time different? Tyhme. It doesn't even matter In the End.

Does anyone even know what lies beneath the surface. I know what's in the roots, but all the stuff in between? From the Inside.
How can I trust myself, I can't trust anyone?

I think I'm ready to actually see him. I wasn't. I'm scared though. I don't want to waste myself where it can't do anything; bad or good.

And then Jessica's Theme.

I have to ask him. I have to. I have to know. It cannot be real or complete if I don't know. I know the answer. But do I really want to know? All the signs are there. I can't help mine if I don't know his answer. What's more important is helping mine get what will be needed. I need the truth, hard as that is to ask. Harder still to turn a blind eye. If the closure is going to come from my forgiveness and acceptance, it will have to be complete. Nothing left out, or missing. Whole and complete.
This is going to be so hard. To set aside my own turmoil and the great pain to make mine whole again, and give him a chance to search for peace.

I don't know if I can do this, and yet I must.
No more secrets if we are all to heal together.
It was hard to tell them all about the.... incidents. Hardly anyone knows about both.
But I did it, they had to know everyone has deamons.
Haunted by a past, no. Hunted? Maybe.
Those two have been 20 years gone. 20 years I kept it hidden.

And what's the worst part? It started so long before that. The biggest secret?
The guilt. If I had been better at .... been more ... there would have been no need for anyone else to get hurt too. Just my secret. And never theirs too.
How could I ever tell them that? I'm sorry you're hurt... glad it's not me (but it should be if I wasn't so useless)???

Oh what pain and for so long.
I know it's time to let it go. It stopped rotting long ago, but still a dead stump in my forest.
It is what it is.
Long before I had control over what happened to me, someone took it away.
I could never get it back, so I gave that control to others freely. Too Freely.

Now I want to control it all, but that is just over compensation. Balance.
I have the connection I need for my Balance.

This is going to be so hard.
Worth it but hard.